Looking Out


She seeks but does she find?......

She seeks but does she find?……

Sarah and Vincent share a moment in time

Sarah and Vincent share a moment in time

There comes a time that we seek and look for the greater meaning of our lives. My quest seems to be an ever evolving process that began when I was very young and continues to this day with a yearning to understand more and yet a knowing that is timeless.

This weekend, I witnessed my daughter step into a role that was not originally hers but she did so with ease, grace and passion. Her role as an actress in a play about suicide and depression brought tears to my eyes and a contemplation of what colour would I be if I identified with any?

I came up with black and white and blue. These being the colours of bruising and darkness and contrasting light that have led me to think of this journey I am currently on. Of recent, I have no time for bullshit or false pretences. I seek authenticity in it’s purest form and I am honest with myself and with others. I am moody and restless and yet at times possess an inner calm that is ever so clear. I am setting boundaries and this shift of “me” is difficult for my family. For so long, my bottomless well of empathy and understanding and nurturing care has been my primary focus. However, this role I have been in is shifting and changing. I am no longer the same and I welcome this change.  When I look into the well, I see that it is running dry and that it is time for me to refill it with focus and purpose as I bend and break and re-align myself to what is true within my soul.

It is time to wake up and live to my full potential. The question is there. Now it is time to find the answer. Each moment gives me an opportunity to create the direction and content of each moment. The canvas is blank.

I look to the sea of calm waters to ground me in a world full of chaos and inner turmoil. I cannot fix this world but I can be a better example to inspire and be true to myself. I hold on to hope and trust.

Jump onboard and who knows what journeys lie ahead for us alone and collectively. The world is our oyster ready to birth a pearl!

A Story Begins


As we begin to find new solutions, a story emerges and those involved create a wave of change. I am grateful to be a part of a winning team and a growing collaboration of Koala Advocates that work at being the change we wish to see. Bring it on! 🙂

Without Gabbie


Soulmates

Soulmates

As we enter the 11th month of our grief, I feel a collective fragmentation where once there was connection. Tragedy pulls and tugs at the heartstrings amongst us and we return to a place that is forever changed. Life without Gabbie. What does this mean?

On November 28th 2014 our beautiful Sarah lost her soulmate. The beautiful boy that brought laughter and joy and hope to us all, took his last breath beside her in a mini-bus on a rainy afternoon in NZ. Their adventure ended in tragedy through exhaustion and I remember getting that call like it was yesterday. I remember the words spoken amongst parents and children and family and friends, the frantic planning and flights booked in a blanket of shock and denial. These are details that are etched in my mind, raw and fresh. Others fade with time. All are part of my story.

After the accident, we floated through each day in a surreal landscape, riding waves filled with pain and shock and disbelief. We held each other. We cried. It is indescribable. I felt as though I had been punched in the gut and I could not catch my breath. The wind was taken out of my sails. Although I was not in this accident, my body seemed to remember a pain from long ago that led to an understanding that rocked my soul. I too, lost a friend at a young age when he was hit by a drunk driver. My empathy for Sarah came from an inner knowledge buried long ago within my 15 year old self and I identified my own pain alongside hers. What an epiphany! This led to many conversations and questions within. Sometimes these questions came in the middle of the night, sometimes during the day and in time they have become less and less. When they do come, they are hard hitting and sometimes unexpected. I breathe and I sit with it and I send out my Love to the Universe.

When tragedy strikes and we lose someone we love we go into fight or flight mode. We re-evaluate and analyse our life. We ask the “big” questions, or at least that is my experience. Sometimes we get the support we need and other times we have to work through it on our own. Never the less there is no “right” or “wrong” way to do grief. We just do it!

Our daughter is alive and well and thriving despite this great loss and she has matured in so many ways beyond her years. As a mother, I wish I could take all the pain that lingers away but I cannot. Only time can do this. We have a long way to go but we are getting there. We miss you Gabs!

It Begins


Transition in Time

Transition in Time

I have thought for a long time that I would write a book and always there was the busyness of “life” that was my excuse as I denied myself the daily practice I needed to begin. I would start and stop. I would self-judge and say, “No, that’s not it!” Then I would put it aside and have huge gaps between times of writing. It was not until last year, that I was shocked into just “being” and in this present state, I received the answer as to where to begin. It is “NOW”. So I, have been writing privately.

In 20 days, we mark a year since   receiving a phone call that would fundamentally change everything in an instant for me. The tragic accident where Sarah lost her best “mate”,Gabbie, sent our family on an unforgettable journey. This journey marks an end and a beginning in linear time. My book begins with this and will tell the story of the light and darkness that have lived within me as I embark in my own personal quest to “be” whom I am meant to be as I share my inner truth. May it help others as it helps me too. ❤